Some quotes:

Ted: So, what is it?
Phil: We call it “The Voice of God.”
Ted: No, we don’t.
Phil: No, we don’t.

Linda: Field testing shows that the subject, or “victim,” as I like to call people “helped” by Veridian Technology, can be hundreds of feet away and will hear the message as though it’s being whispered only to them.
Phil: It’s highly persuasive. Advertising companies are very excited because it will allow them to burrow even deeper into the human brain.

Phil: At full power, the sound wave is so intense it can cause vomiting.
Ted: A machine that causes vomiting. Well, that could have all kinds of applications for the military… and fashion modeling.

Ted: Well, I’d love to help you, Linda, but I don’t have a lot of space in here.
Linda: In here. In here… in here.
Ted: And there’s that terrible echo.

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Machines. When you were little, you wanted to be one. Now we’re working to make that happen. By taking the best things about people, and the best things about machines, and combining them into something strong and, we hope, loving. Veridian Dynamics. Man and machines. Best friends forever.

Phil: Why don’t you go talk to her?
Lem: Talk to her? Would you talk to a rainbow or a sunset?
Phil: If I wanted to get it on with refracted light, I would.
Lem: If only I was a worm. i could cut myself in two and date my lower half.
Phil: We all wish we were worms, Lem, but that’s never going to happen.

Linda: Are you staring at my butt?
Ted: Hmm? No, your butt is in my staring place. So technically, it’s staring at me.
Linda: Sorry. It’s from a small town. It’s never seen a big businessman like you before.
Ted: Well tell it to act more professional. It’s making a spectacle of itself.

Phil: Oh, god, Lem, you’re using science for no good. We took an oath we would try to do that less.

Linda: But, fine, what did you want to talk about?
Ted: Well, your work habits and how bad they are and how much that bugs me.
Linda: Okay, this can wait. Go ahead.
Ted: Well, to begin with, your work habits are bad, uh, and in conclusion, that bugs me.

Veronica: You did this, Phil. And to recognize your efforts, we’re promoting you to Senior Lab Associate.
Phil: Oh, I was promoted to that a year ago.
Veronica: Really? You shouldn’t have been. You probably owe the company some money. I’ll check into that for you.
Phil: Thank you…

Some quotes:

Ted: The implications for weight loss are enormous. And while elective brain surgery doesn’t test that great, it still tests better than dieting and exercise.

Lem: I always thought Veronica lived here.
Phil: Me, too. You know, she just finds a comfortable chair and powers down for the night.

Phil: Besides, Ted could bring us a lot of street crud.
Lem: It’s street cred. You know, “credibility”?
Phil: Oh… now that finally makes sense.

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we’d be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So listen to your boss. And don’t question them. Otherwise you’re no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary.

Veronica: My grandfather… I never liked him. He smelled of onions and once cheated on my grandmother with Eleanor Roosevelt, who hated men but loved onions.

Gil: I declare Ted the victor, and Victor the loser.

Linda: I don’t know why I drink. I always either get laid or fired.
Lem: I have to start drinking. I like those odds.

Veronica: I’ll take you to breakfast–somewhere where the meals don’t end with the word “slam.”
Linda: I don’t know. I’ve got a lot of work to do on the Doppler Project.
Veronica: You’re with the boss. Relax. Besides, I can give the Doppler Project to Joe.
Linda: Really? Because I do hate the Doppler Project.
Veronica: And I hate Joe. So everybody wins.

Veronica: I once slept with my boyfriend’s therapist to find out if he was cheating with me. He wasn’t.

Veronica: And then I accused Omar Sharif of being a terrorist so he’d get kicked off a plane and I could take his first-class seat.

Ted: I’m a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.
Linda: Huh. Last week a story like that would’ve surprised me. So who’d you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle.

Linda: There’s a single dads club that meets on the fifth floor every week. Maybe you should check it out.
Ted: Eh, I guess I could go beat up some single dads.

Some quotes:

Phil: Do you think I look like a possum in this shirt?
Lem: Not in that shirt. Why?

Veronica: Hi, Balding Guy. I love what you’ve done with the hair you have left.

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork – it’s a beautiful thing. In business, it means working together for a common goal. X-rays show that when people work together, they’re happier and less likely to do something weird. Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork. It keeps our employees gruntled.

Ted: Look, the company does all sorts of crazy things. That doesn’t mean we have to be crazy, too. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go seduce a 55-year-old man.

Linda: I just made three new friends. Maybe I was wrong about the cubicle themes. For the first time since I’ve been here, I actually feel like I’m part of something.
Ted: Glad to hear it. I have to go to a strip club tomorrow with a bunch of old men.
Linda: Wow. What theme did the company give you?

Lem: I’m sorry, but when I hear an undeserved compliment it makes my ears want to throw up.
Phil: Oh, your ears are always throwing up about something.

Veronica: And the next time some survey asks how happy you are, you check “very,” or I’ll give you something to be happy about.
Ted: I’m not sure that makes any…
Veronica: The hair is up. That’s all they hear.

Veronica: Another time, another place. Two other people–it could have been magniflorious.
Phil: You mean that?
Veronica: I do. Particularly the part about two other people.

Some quotes:

Ted: Sometimes big companies make big mistakes. Like yesterday’s, which caused a million fish in Lake Michigan to grow fur.

Linda: Don’t bother with HR. I can fake any ID with a razor blade and wite-out. Trust me, I’ve been 21 since I was 15.

Ted: I think I know my last name. It’s the one thing my father and I agree on.

Dr. Bhamba: Stop it! We’re scientists, not people who can examine every variable of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event. Ted’s late. We can’t know why any more than we can unlock the secrets of the universe.

Veronica: But rebooting would shut down Veridian’s entire worldwide operation. And that mean money, which the company never parts with unless forced to by a government stronger than they are. And there’s only three of those left.

Veronica: Okay, fine, I’ll take care of your precious lab. Leave it all to me. So, Linda, you’re in charge of the lab. I leave it all to you.
Linda: Me?
Veronica: I don’t like it down there. it’s chilly, the people are odd, and it smells like science.
Linda: Well, I’m not a huge fan of that place either. Last time I was down there, i got chased by some weird eight-legged bird.
Veronica: Ah, the octo-chicken. We had such hopes for that.

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Individuals–we believe everyone is special, irreplaceable, and will follow the thing walking in front of it. That’s why we celebrate all individuals, even ones going nowhere. Veridian Dynamics – because you can’t spell “individual” without “Veridian”. And “U”. And an “L”.

Ted: You know, I’d like to believe after everything I’ve done for this company over the years, they’d show me a little more loyalty than this.
Veronica: Yes, I know it’s hard to accept that giant companies don’t care about people. I know how hard it was for me when I first realized it… when I was 8.

Linda: Oh, shoot.
Ryan: What’s wrong, Linda? Is your card not working?
Linda: No, it’s not the card. it’s these damn breasts of mine. Ugh, I’m taking this new medication and it’s making ‘em so big and perky. Do they looks strange to you?
Ryan: Don’t worry about those breasts, Linda. They’re top shelf.
Ted: Hmm.
Linda: You can’t tell from over there. Come closer.

Veronica: I should have you all fired or demoted, or put you in the tank with the octo-chicken.

Some quotes:

Linda: Hey fellows. Look what I got: A baby! I’m naming her Ted.
Lem: (to Phil) This is exactly the type of thing the other Ted wanted us to prevent.

Ted: My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school. Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland. Second prize gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland.

Lem: Ted knows everything we do.
Phil: He’s like a god. Only it hurts more when he judges us.

Ted: We’re working on a contract for solar-powered ovens, which the military plans to air-drop into remote villages as a goodwill gesture. It’ll be the only thing the military drops that doesn’t kill people. The problem is…
Lem: It kills people.
Phil: The plastic we’re using leaches toxins into food.
Lem: However, the toxins are only released when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.
Phil: Which is the only time solar ovens work.
Veronica: Some days, it seems like everything we do leaches toxins.

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Competition–whether it’s animals, or this old woman and baby, fighting to the death. Competition makes us stronger. In business, that means better products–pills that look like candy, hands that can shoot lightning, and a new generation of hurricane-proof dogs. Veridian Dynamics. Competition. It makes everything better.

Ted: Wait. You don’t think competing all-out against a girl who’s disabled is wrong?
Veronica: Wrong? How should I know what’s wrong? I’m not some Greek philosopher. What does Rose think?
Ted: She’s no help. I taught her her everyone should be treated equally.
Veronica: Well, then treat everyone equally.
Ted: No, you’re not supposed to really do that. You’re just supposed to teach it.
Veronica: Ted, you’re a competitor. You want to win. You just need to hear it’s okay.
Ted: No I don’t. But it is, right?

Lem: Do you think wildly erratic emotions could be a residual effect of the energy patch?
Phil: Hard to tell. This is the problem when the company will only pay for testing on drunk frat guys

Ted: We work well together. Like Batman and…
Veronica: I’m Batman.
Ted: Well, it was my idea. I think…
Veronica: I’m Batman and Robin.

Ted: Veronica and I sold so much wrapping paper, not only are you going to Disneyland, but Mickey’s gonna be wearing your ears on his head. Oh, wait. That’s a horrifying image.

Phil: Linda, you can’t hurt a baby.
Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They’re not indestructible.
Phil: I meant it’s morally indefensible.
Lem: Well, what if the baby killed a man?
Phil: You and your moral puzzles. I just love ‘em.

Veronica: I’ve put Rose so far ahead there’s no way anyone can catch her. Although, there’s a 3% chance she could end up in jail.
Ted: Fine, you win.
Veronica: I like when that happens, and it happens a lot.

Ted: I sold more wrapping paper than you.
Veronica: That’s not what we were competing over.
Ted: It was one of the things we were competing over.
Veronica: You’re so competitive, it’s sick.
Ted: Not as sick as you.
Veronica: That’s right. I win… again.

Some quotes:

Phil: Lem, you ever get the feeling the ooplasm cultures are looking up at you, worshiping you like a vengeful god?
Lem: No. Cytoplasm culture sometimes, but never ooplasm.
Phil: Sometimes you are a complete stranger to me.

Phil: Did you put hydrochloric acid in this mug?
Lem: Oh, yeah. I was trying to get the stains out.
Phil: You know, soap would work, and it wouldn’t kill someone if they accidentally drank it.
Lem: But soap leaves a film.

Lem: (as the motion sensors bring the lights back on) It gets dark whenever you leave the room.
Phil: Ohh… how can I get mad at you when you say things like that.

Phil: This is ridiculous. You have to talk to Veronica.
Lem: I’m going to.
Phil: No, I mean you really have to.
Lem: I’m going to.
Phil: No you won’t.
Lem: Yes I might.
Phil: You have to stand up for yourself this time. This isn’t just delicious flavored coffee. This is your dignity we’re talking about.
Lem: I have my dignity. Now will you please take me to the bathroom.

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Diversity–just the thought of it makes these white people smile. We believe everyone works best when they work together, even if they’re just standing around. Just like we enjoy varieties of food, we enjoy varieties of people. Even though we can’t eat them. At Veridian Dynamics, we’re committed to a multiethnic workplace. You can shake on it. Veridian Dynamics. Diversity. Good for us.

Lem: (trapped in an elevator) This is the company’s plan. We’re all gonna die in here.
Bert: Yeah, we’ll get the last laugh next week when everyone is wondering what that smell is.

Veronica: I know what it’s like to see the ugly face of discrimination.
Lem: You do?
Veronica: Yes, I do. When I was 16, I was 5′9″ and stunning. I mean, off-the charts gorgeous. At school, I was like a swan among the ugly ducklings. all the other girls hated me. And like our light sensors are doing to you, totally ignored me. If it wasn’t for the modeling contracts and the comfort of college boys, I don’t know if I would have made it.
Phil: Wow. I had no idea.
Veronica: No, how could you? You’re still not 5′9″.

Veronica: My door is always open to you. Please, close it on the way out.

Veronica: Well, I’m different than other women, Ted, and by different, I mean “better”.

Phil: When you stand up for yourself, you get things done. I learned that the first time I sent back undercooked chicken at a restaurant. Sure, I ended up paying for two chickens…

Lem: Can you believe this?
Bert: I know, isn’t it great? We all get our own free white guy.

Veronica: “Money before people,” that’s the company motto. Engraved on the lobby floor. It just looks more heroic in Latin.

Ted: And so, if the company keeps hiring white people to follow black people to follow white people to follow black people, by…
Lem: Thursday, June 27, 2013.
Ted: …every person on Earth will be working for us. And we don’t have the parking for that.

Some quotes:

Ted: Did you even notice I have my daughter with me today?
Veronica: I look at people’s eyes when I talk to them, Ted, not at their waists.

Veronica: Well, you’re always welcome here, daughter of Ted.
Ted: Rose.
Veronica: I know her name.
Ted: Rose’s name.
Veronica: You know, sweetheart, sometimes your father…
Rose: Ted.
Veronica: I know everyone’s name.

Ted: Hi beautiful. Beautifuls…
Rose: Hi, Daddy.
Linda: Hi, Daddy. And I’m just never calling you that again.

Ted: I have to watch Rose.
Veronica: I can wash Rose.
Ted: I said “watch” her, not “wash” her.
Veronica: Hmm. Even easier.
Ted: The fact that you thought I was going to go wash Rose right now makes me think you may not know that much about children.
Veronica: I know they need to be cleaned.

Veronica: You have the most beautiful skin. I wish there was a way I could peel it off your face and attach it to mine. Oh, and then you’d grow new skin and like it just as much.

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. We’re a family, just like yours. But we don’t waste our time throwing leaves around. We put our family to work. We mean real work. Not just eating mush. Our Veridian Dynamic family works for every member of your family. Even the dead ones. And we’re working to bring them back and copy them, in case you lose them again. We love our family, which is why we work nights, weekends, and major holidays, because that’s when families should be together. Families. Yay.

Some quotes:

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. We’re the future of food, developing the next generation of food and food-like products. Tomatoes… the size of this baby, lemon-flavored fish, chicken that lay 16 eggs a day, which is a lot for a chicken, organic vegetables chock-full of antidepressants. At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can’t eat them, but we’re not, because people can’t eat them. Veridian Dynamics. Food. Yum.

(Talking about Phil’s involvement in the meat project)
Ted: But, without Phil this meat project is not going to happen.
Veronica: But, I need the meat project.
Ted: Then, you need Phil.
Veronica: But, we can’t use Phil.
Ted: Then, you can’t have the meat project.
Veronica: But, I need the meat project.
Ted: Then, you need Phil.
Veronica: But, I can’t use Phil.
Ted: (awkward silence) You prefer this to small talk?

Veronica: We have a problem. The Food Division just told me that the “Extra Fun Mac and Cheese” I’m supposed to be presenting to the shareholders causes blindness if eaten more than twice a week. Plus, no matter how long it’s cooked, it never gets hot.
Ted: Maybe it’s not Mac and Cheese.
Veronica: Oh, no, it has to be. They’ve already designed the box.

Ted: At least meat grown in a test tube doesn’t feel pain. Please tell me it doesn’t feel pain.
Lem: We don’t think so.
Phil: Yeah, although interestingly, it does respond to music.

Phil: I’ve never been in the executive dining room before. It’s nice.
Veronica: Well, now you can have lunch here any time you want. (sotto voce) for the next month.

Jerome: (sampling cow-less meat) It tastes familiar.
Ted: Beef?
Jerome: No.
Linda: Chicken? We’ll take chicken.
Ted: What does it taste like?
Jerome: Despair.
Ted: Is it possible it just needs salt?

Lem: Maybe the meat blob’s not taking in enough nutrients. I guess I could try and give it a mouth.
Ted: I’m gonna say no to the meat blob getting a mouth. Mostly because I don’t want to hear what it has to say.

Ted: I… I would love to help you with that, Linda, but I used up my office affair.
Linda: It’s not like voting, Ted. You can punch more than one ballot.
Ted: I… I don’t want to be a guy who votes around.

Some quotes:

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Every day something we make, makes your life better. Power, we make that. technology, we make that. Cows. Well, no, we don’t make cows. Although we have made a sheep. And medicines. And airplane engines. And whatever this is. And all sorts of things. Veridian Dynamics. Every day something we make, makes your life better. Usually. Veridian. Life. Better.

Veronica: We want to make a metal that is hard as steel but can bounce like rubber, and is edible.

Ted: Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I’ve asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things.

Lem: What… that’s not normal, Phil.
Phil: It becomes normal… if you keep doing it. Everything does.

Rose: I like Phil.
Ted: Maybe you’ll like him even more when he’s frozen.
Rose: I like him the temperature he is. Phil came to my birthday. It’s wrong to freeze someone who came to your daughter’s birthday.

Ted: Did you do your math homework?
Rose: Yes.
Ted: 6 x 8?
Rose: Yes, that was one of them.

Dr. Bamba: I’ve never seen a man explode from the inside. A rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey, and a reindeer. But that’s all.

Veronica: So this thing with Phil–making that stupid face and yelling–they think it’s distracting.
Ted: I guess in hindsight they shouldn’t have vitrified his brains.
Veronica: Look, I’m not going to play the blame game with you.

Ted: Listen, Veronica, about firing Phil, I don’t think we should rush into anything.
Veronica: You’re right. Wait until the end of business Friday. It’ll be easier for Payroll.

Veronica: Did I surprise you? I didn’t mean to surprise you. I’m just a friendly person.
Linda: I didn’t think you know my name.
Veronica: Of course I know your name. I know a lot about you. Linda… Katherine… Zword… ning–ling.
Linda: “Zwordling.”
Veronica: Fine. You know your name better than I do. Yay.