Some quotes:

Ted: The implications for weight loss are enormous. And while elective brain surgery doesn’t test that great, it still tests better than dieting and exercise.

Lem: I always thought Veronica lived here.
Phil: Me, too. You know, she just finds a comfortable chair and powers down for the night.

Phil: Besides, Ted could bring us a lot of street crud.
Lem: It’s street cred. You know, “credibility”?
Phil: Oh… now that finally makes sense.

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we’d be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So listen to your boss. And don’t question them. Otherwise you’re no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary.

Veronica: My grandfather… I never liked him. He smelled of onions and once cheated on my grandmother with Eleanor Roosevelt, who hated men but loved onions.

Gil: I declare Ted the victor, and Victor the loser.

Linda: I don’t know why I drink. I always either get laid or fired.
Lem: I have to start drinking. I like those odds.

Veronica: I’ll take you to breakfast–somewhere where the meals don’t end with the word “slam.”
Linda: I don’t know. I’ve got a lot of work to do on the Doppler Project.
Veronica: You’re with the boss. Relax. Besides, I can give the Doppler Project to Joe.
Linda: Really? Because I do hate the Doppler Project.
Veronica: And I hate Joe. So everybody wins.

Veronica: I once slept with my boyfriend’s therapist to find out if he was cheating with me. He wasn’t.

Veronica: And then I accused Omar Sharif of being a terrorist so he’d get kicked off a plane and I could take his first-class seat.

Ted: I’m a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.
Linda: Huh. Last week a story like that would’ve surprised me. So who’d you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle.

Linda: There’s a single dads club that meets on the fifth floor every week. Maybe you should check it out.
Ted: Eh, I guess I could go beat up some single dads.