Some quotes:

Linda: Hey fellows. Look what I got: A baby! I’m naming her Ted.
Lem: (to Phil) This is exactly the type of thing the other Ted wanted us to prevent.

Ted: My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school. Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland. Second prize gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland.

Lem: Ted knows everything we do.
Phil: He’s like a god. Only it hurts more when he judges us.

Ted: We’re working on a contract for solar-powered ovens, which the military plans to air-drop into remote villages as a goodwill gesture. It’ll be the only thing the military drops that doesn’t kill people. The problem is…
Lem: It kills people.
Phil: The plastic we’re using leaches toxins into food.
Lem: However, the toxins are only released when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.
Phil: Which is the only time solar ovens work.
Veronica: Some days, it seems like everything we do leaches toxins.

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Competition–whether it’s animals, or this old woman and baby, fighting to the death. Competition makes us stronger. In business, that means better products–pills that look like candy, hands that can shoot lightning, and a new generation of hurricane-proof dogs. Veridian Dynamics. Competition. It makes everything better.

Ted: Wait. You don’t think competing all-out against a girl who’s disabled is wrong?
Veronica: Wrong? How should I know what’s wrong? I’m not some Greek philosopher. What does Rose think?
Ted: She’s no help. I taught her her everyone should be treated equally.
Veronica: Well, then treat everyone equally.
Ted: No, you’re not supposed to really do that. You’re just supposed to teach it.
Veronica: Ted, you’re a competitor. You want to win. You just need to hear it’s okay.
Ted: No I don’t. But it is, right?

Lem: Do you think wildly erratic emotions could be a residual effect of the energy patch?
Phil: Hard to tell. This is the problem when the company will only pay for testing on drunk frat guys

Ted: We work well together. Like Batman and…
Veronica: I’m Batman.
Ted: Well, it was my idea. I think…
Veronica: I’m Batman and Robin.

Ted: Veronica and I sold so much wrapping paper, not only are you going to Disneyland, but Mickey’s gonna be wearing your ears on his head. Oh, wait. That’s a horrifying image.

Phil: Linda, you can’t hurt a baby.
Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They’re not indestructible.
Phil: I meant it’s morally indefensible.
Lem: Well, what if the baby killed a man?
Phil: You and your moral puzzles. I just love ‘em.

Veronica: I’ve put Rose so far ahead there’s no way anyone can catch her. Although, there’s a 3% chance she could end up in jail.
Ted: Fine, you win.
Veronica: I like when that happens, and it happens a lot.

Ted: I sold more wrapping paper than you.
Veronica: That’s not what we were competing over.
Ted: It was one of the things we were competing over.
Veronica: You’re so competitive, it’s sick.
Ted: Not as sick as you.
Veronica: That’s right. I win… again.